I’m scared of a lot of things. I’m scared of spiders, I’m scared of the dark, I’m scared of public toilets, but most substantially, I’m scared of heights. Not physical heights, mind you! I don’t suffer from acrophobia, vertigo, or any fear of flying. I’m scared of a different kind of height, one that comes with success, praise, and the pressure to meet rising expectations.
This kind of height emerges from when life feels like it’s falling into place - when milestones appear, or when you meet the people who make you feel like home. And yet, when I stand on these heights, I feel unsteady, like I’m one small gust away from falling.
SCARED OF HEIGHTS is a piece about imposter syndrome. It’s a musical portrait of how I felt when I first arrived at the RNCM, and to a certain extent, this is perhaps how I still feel to this day. The initial excitement and drive of being somewhere I had only ever dreamed of, surrounded by such inspiring peers and tutors, quite quickly gave way to a creeping doubt that maybe, somehow, I didn’t truly belong here. Conquering this fear of not being enough has been an ongoing journey for me, and is one I’m still attempting to navigate.
These 7 minutes represent a part of my soul that has truly defined who I am. Thank you for letting me share it with you.
Premiered by the RNCM Brand New Orchestra, conducted Connor Lyster, as part of the New Music and Movement In Focus Concert in the RNCM Concert Hall on the 16th of January 2025.
